Living Large with Gary Montague

Becoming a Stair Master

Posted September 25th, 2009

Exorcise Your Exercise #1

One of the greatest obstacles to removing unnecessary physical activity from your life is the use of stairs. Down be fooled by these seemingly harmless contraptions. Even going DOWN stairs is more physical activity than one should be involved with.

If God had intended me to take the stairs, he would not have invented the elevator. [Editor’s note: The elevator was invented by Elisha Otis in 1853.]

Another ally in our quest for inactivity is the escalator. What a fantastic device this is! Why is there no holiday to celebrate its invention? Tyranny! That’s why!

There’s also the People Mover which enables me to get from one end of the airport to the other with almost no movement whatsoever. Which brings up an even more egregious crime: People who walk up or down while on working and fully functional escalators or people movers. These people have got some serious brain damage. They’re missing the whole point.

Now here’s where things can get sticky: In a situation where one finds oneself nowhere near an elevator or an escalator, you have to decide whether it is more efficient to walk all the way to the nearest elevator or to just take the stairs. You have to calculate the distance to said elevator and the energy expended. I’m not going to throw any fancy equations at you. Someone much smarter than me will have to figure that out.

Personally, if you’re stuck in this dilemma, I wouldn’t fault you if you just went home. But then all of the physical activity you engaged in to get there would all be for nothing – which of course, is just like all exercise.

I’m certainly not suggesting, as other more extreme inactivists have, that we destroy all stairs, stairways and staircases. I am simply suggesting that you know where your nearest elevator or escalator is at all times and then simply enjoy the ride.

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