Living Large with Gary Montague

Diet is a four-letter word

Posted August 6th, 2009

I was surfing the WWW recently and I came across another one of those diet and fitness websites Fitness The Right Way and I began to contemplate the arbitrary and nefarious efforts of the propaganda machine behind “healthy living.” And I was reminded of what a great man once said, “The world don’t move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you, may not be right for some.”

There’s two types of people in this world: those who are on diets (hereafter referred to as Health Nuts) and those who just don’t give a crap (hereafter referred to as Normal People). And the Health Nuts are always trying to get the Normal People to give a crap.

Health Nuts always claim that they are just looking out for your best interests. Of course, that was the basis of Adolph Hitler’s political campaign. And these Health Nuts have the same agenda: a “longer, more fulfilling” life in which inferior people have no place.

A diet is defined as “The usual food and drink of a person.” So technically everyone you know is actually “on a diet” – even the guy pounding down chili cheese fries with his pastrami cheeseburger and his chocolate shake.

So next time some “helpful” Health Nut friend or family member asks you if you’re on a diet, you can look them square in the eye and tell them, “Yes I am.” This will delight Health Nuts to no end and as far as they are concerned all of your problems in every aspect of your life are now handled.

However, Health Nuts will stay out of your life for only so long and they’re going to start having their doubts when you order that pepperoni and sausage pizza. So make sure you get some mushrooms on there, too. That will make it seem healthier to everyone – and they’re also pretty yummy.

You might think you have to actually order salad in front of these Health Nuts to get them off your back, but it turns out that most people will believe you if you just lie about having had a salad at lunch instead of that delicious Reuben. Fake diet lying tip: be specific – you didn’t have a salad for lunch, you had a Caesar salad, easy on the dressing, and the waiter forgot to bring you a fork.

Yes, there’s heart disease. Yes, there’s diabetes. Hell, there’s a myriad of different health issues and they’re almost all bummers. But donuts are yummy, and so is pizza and fried chicken. So how is it that spending your life denying yourself delicious food is going to bring you happiness?

There’s all kinds of “reports” and “studies” out there that show that America is the most overweight country on the planet. You’re Goddamn right we are. We eat whatever we want and we don’t give a crap about the consequences.

I’m not saying that Guy LaBrusciano is un-American or that Fitness The Right Way is some sort of Fascist dictatorship. But it does appear that Mr. LaBrusciano has lost sight of the fact that “It takes different strokes to move the world. Yes it does.”

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