Living Large with Gary Montague

Happy New Year!

Posted January 10th, 2010

One of the great thing about New Year’s is that you don’t have to worry about offending anyone’s religious sensibilities because the New Year is celebrated throughout the world by people of all races, creeds, colors and religions – like the 4th of July.

And, of course, with every New Year comes everyone’s New Year’s resolutions. And these are as varied as the people who do the resoluting.

Based on a recent survey done on my neighbor Frank, the top 5 new years resolutions are: 1. Lose weight. 2. Drink less vodka. 3. Get a job. 4. Less trips to the massage parlor. 5. Get mail-order bride.

“Drink less vodka” makes a lot of sense – especially for Frank who seems to get hospitalized at least once a year after drinking himself unconscious. So this has financial benefits for Frank, as well as health benefits.

I’m not sure why “Get a job” is this low on the list – unless somehow the drinking and the weight loss are necessary for his line of work. Like he’s some sort of stripper/pilot.

Frank did clarify that “Less trips to the massage parlor” is not necessary if he gets a job. Obviously.

I’m not a big fan of his “Get mail-order bride” scenario. It seems like a very risky proposition. But you can’t change his mind on this one – the heart wants what the heart wants.

If you know anything about me, you’re not going to be surprised that the only one of the resolutions that I really have a problem with is the top one: “Lose weight.” And this is one that a LOT of people have.

Why? If you want to lose a few pounds because you look like an ice cream scoop plopped on top of your skinny jeans, the simpler step is don’t wear skinny jeans. This is isn’t rocket science, people. They are called SKINNY jeans for a reason.

And this is actually much more difficult for the people around you than it is for you. We have to watch you waddle around in ill-fitting clothes that show off every bulge and roll. Try some sweat pants for crying out load. Notice how they don’t call them “skinny” sweat pants.

Instead of “Lose weight” as your New Year’s resolution, try something like: “Buy looser fitting clothes so I don’t look like I’m stuffed into sausage skin.”

That way everyone wins.

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