Living Large with Gary Montague

The Secret Weight Problem

Posted September 15th, 2009

They always say, “With great size comes great responsibility.” You might want to run for cover because I’m about to launch some truth missiles at you.

On television, radio and the Internet there are a myriad of documentaries, special reports and infomercials telling us all about the dangers of being overweight. There’s even a reality/game show called The Biggest Loser where the object is to lose the most weight. But all of this noise and commotion is distracting us from society’s dirty little secret:

Skinny People.

On TV a couple nights ago was a perfect example: the lead actress on Grey’s Anatomy. I remember watching Ellen Pompeo in the movie Old School and she was gorgeous. Now on Grey’s, even with the camera adding ten pounds, she looks like she’s at the tail-end of a hunger strike.

Unfortunately, she is not the first actress to fall victim to this malady. Lindsey Lohan and Jennifer Aniston come to mind as girls who were once sexy and now remind me of Schindler’s List. Now that’s a good movie, but not exactly the kind of T and A guys are looking for. There’s even Kate Winslet, once a gloriously sexy girl, who has recently departed from Team Chubby.

Sure, there’s some attention given to starving people in third world countries, but if those people are really starving, then why do they have such huge bellies? They look pretty full to me. [Editor’s Note: Abdominal Distention is a serious health condition resulting from malnutrition.]

It doesn’t really matter how a person comes to be a skinny person – whether it’s your fast metabolism, or your strict diet of cocaine and carrots, or your fingers keep accidentally activating your gag reflex. Not my business.

Now, I’m no doctor, but I think it might be unhealthy if I can see all your ribs. And I’m no priest, but I find it hard to believe that God designed the human body to gain weight as a punishment. Look down through history and you will see that being skinny is a sign of suffering.

But take heart Skinny People, there are some distinct advantages to being skinny. I probably won’t ask you to help me move. If I’m trying to set a record for the number of people you can get into a car, skinny folk are the best strategy. And if we are invaded by human flesh-eating aliens, skinny people will probably be safe for a while, but the deliciously rotund will be the first to go.

So, if you or someone you know is friends with Ellen Pompeo, please do me a favor and buy her a cheeseburger. Or three.

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