Living Large with Gary Montague

There Can Be Only One

Posted November 11th, 2009

The Highlander of Food Series

When I was younger, one of my favorite movies was The Highlander and actually this was the first R-rated movie I ever saw in a theatre. The lifeless robot at the ticket window wouldn’t let me and my buddy in because we were clearly underage. Fortunately for us, the guy standing behind us in line stepped up and claimed we were with him so we were able to get in. Also fortunately for us, he did not molest us.

For the record, the film was rated R, not because of violence or language, but because of an entirely unnecessary and entirely disappointing sex scene. How bad was the sex scene? It was so bad that I was disappointed, even as a 14 year old boy with girls on the brain and a monster in my pants (I’m referring to my penis).

The film is about immortals who sword fight each other to the death until only one remains. Hence the phrase: “There can be only one.” But these were no ordinary immortals. There was Sean Connery as the Spaniard (with the Scottish accent); Christopher Lambert as the Scotsman (with the French accent); and the creepy guy who later played the guard in the Shawshank Redemption.

Spoiler alert: In the end, the Highlander wins. Spoiler alert: the film is called The Highlander. Spoiler alert: they didn’t call it The Spaniard, or The Creepy Guy Who Later Plays the Guard in Shawshank Redemption.

So what do sword fighting immortals with misplaced accents have to do with Living Large? I’m glad you asked because I could just keep talking about this movie all day. The Highlander of Food Series will address the best fast foods available to the general public. Since it would not be fair to people in other areas to use local eating establishments, I will limit the foods to broadly available items.

What is the best breakfast sandwich? Best burger? Best pizza? Best ice cream? Best fried chicken? I could keep going, but I think you get the idea. Okay, one more: best milk shake?

Okay, so most of these may actually be the exact opposite of immortality. Each entry in The Highlander of Food Series will put the top contenders in each category up against each other, fighting on the battlefield of my digestive system.

You might be thinking that maybe you should try your own competition. Not a good idea. I am a professional and my insides have undergone years of painstaking training to get them to their current peak level of physiological tolerance.

If you’re going to be eating food that’s bad for you, you might as well be eating the best of the worst and in the end… THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

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